Is this really what have I been working all semester to find?

Throughout my exististance in what I call my life, I have always had an identity. Sure, it’s underwent some change and yes, various situations may cause me to act in different ways, but I’m still unique, me, one of a kind. Right? That’s what I have been taught in school, through my family, in dance. After reading Ulmer, I am inclined to believe otherwise.

Choosing a wide emblem has not been easy, nor has this course. After much deliberation, I finally realized (or so I hope, seeing as I won't really know until my career is over. And that's just great.) that the stage has become my wide image. My identity has always been that of a dancer. Sure, there's the outgoing Brittany, the shy Brittany, the studious Brittany etc, but in those different personalities it has always been Brittany the Dancer. Now, I am not saying that Ulmer is correct in his whack (or so I think) belief that we have no true identity, but it does remove my "blinders" and make me open my eyes just a little wider.

I chose the stage for some obvious reasons, yes, but also for some reasons that would never had gotten my attention had I not ventured on in this class. The stage for me is a place of identity. Who I am as a person changes with the scenery, where I am on stage, the other actors around me. Recently (through the class assignments and also my psychology class) I have realized that my behaviors are affected by my surroundings and the situations that I come into contact with. My thought processes are scripted (like those of people on stage), and I play a role depending on where I am. Societal influences have molded me into this being that I don't really know. I mean, I sure as hell want to think I know myself, but then the question could be asked Who are you Brittany? And that, my friends, I do not have an answer to.

Defining myself isn't easy, (well I suppose it's not really easy for anyone) but I feel the stage could define the way I think.

Setting

Where I am influences the way I think. In a school setting, most of the time I play the the shy role. For some reason, I just do not feel comfortable talking in front of others, expressing my ideas, so forth. I guess the setting of school is that of a quiet atmosphere where the motto is "Don't talk. Just listen and learn." Hence, my quiet attitude in the classroom. However, if the setting was in a club or party, the lights would definately be on me. I feel that is a time to let loose and be the center of attention, loud and wild. Influences of media (movies, plays, music) have made a big impact on my attitudes of settings and the way I should act in them.

Actors

The people involved on stage have a play their role in my actions and thoughts as well. Being surrounded by directors I know (ie friends and family) the outgoing self appears. Actions that I perform are heavily influenced by those people close by. When my mom told me not to get a tatoo, I obeyed. When my friends ask me to go out (since I'm the partier) even when I am tired and have work the next morning, do I go? Yes. My desire to please those that I care about stems from the stage in that I want to get the job (please the people I care about).

However, when in a room of actors (those I don't know) I am Ms. Independent. I don't know the people, and am fighting them for the role. I don't care about their feelings, my main goal is to get the gig, whether it be the grade, audition, job, etc.

Placement

Where I am on stage also can affect my decisions. If in the back (and therefore have a small role) I tend to take that position and conform with everyone else. Yet, when I am center stage I break a leg, and then an arm. People will admire my performance, my decisions, my brilliance. If there is continuous movement on the stage, decisions are messy and unstable. Not knowing where I fit in the picture causes uncertainty and panicked decisions. The placement on stage (in life), is very important on my decisions and how I feel I fit in with the crowd.